apples and fuck-yous

I feel fat.

"You're not fat! You look great." -every woman I know.

Thanks. I still feel fat.

And I know I'm not "fat" technically. Not obese or grossly overweight. I know women who weigh more than I do and they look fantastic. But I have something these women don't.

I have a stomach. A belly that hangs over the band of my low-waisted jeans or pooches out under the band of my high-waisted jeans. A-line dresses skim my belly and then contour under it. Clingy fabrics give me an unappealing sausage shape. I'm not even trying to look at bodycon.

I'm an "apple" if we are boiling women down to pieces of fruit.

The butt is in. Hips are shaken with relish. Boobs have long since been revered. Even thighs are no longer mocked for being thunderous: they are strong if they're full of muscle, or part of a "real woman" if they're soft. A woman's body can now carry several extra pounds and still be considered acceptable to society...as long as it looks like a woman's body. A curvy, shapely, dainty-shouldered body that carries its weight in the lower half. Hips and thighs and butts are all fine. Everyone [with a big butt or wide hips/thighs] is beautiful. What about a woman with broad shoulders and huge tits and a bit of a paunch, yet an inexplicably flat butt and spindly chicken legs? Is she beautiful? Where does this woman fit into the new world of #noangels?

She doesn't.

I don't.

I don't feel beautiful most days. This is not a pity party. This is just a fact. My belly expands if I have a large meal, ballooning its way forward and obscuring my feet. Even if I starve, my upper half is still big and my lower half is little. I've been asked how far along I am in pregnancy.I have been told by ex-boyfriends that sometimes I am attractive, and sometimes I am not, depending on the amount of food I have consumed that day. I've been advised not to wear rompers or overalls because they're "all middle." I've been told by a male friend that "some women can gain weight and still look great, and some women, well even an extra five pounds is noticeable." This statement was not explicitly directed at me but the implication was clear: A woman can be as fat as she can get away with as long as the stomach is flat, and yours isn't.

My legs are toned and smooth. My flat butt is cellulite free. Yet I won't be flaunting a bikini this summer. Men ooh and ahh over curvy ladies and pat themselves on the back for being into "real" looking women. These men are not fawning over us apples. They do not want that type of realness. Where do we fit into this new body revolution, where all sizes of women are supposed to be accepted, but no one is modeling plus-sized lingerie over their stomach pooch?

a passive-aggressive public service announcement

I don't want your fucking dick pic.
Someone might want your dick pic, but that person is not me.
I don't want your dick pic.

I don't want your dick pic if you're sober.
I don't want your dick pic if you're drunk.
I don't want your dick pic if I'm drunk.
I don't want your dick pic if you have a girlfriend but you think I'm hot.
I don't want your dick pic if you have a girlfriend but you think cheating on her is hot.
I don't want your dick pic if you're single and you think I'm hot.
I don't want your dick pic if you think you have a big dick.
I don't want your dick pic if you think you have a "nice" dick.
I don't want your dick pic if you want to have sex with me.
If I want to have sex with you, I still don't want your dick pic.
If we've been exchanging flirty texts, I still don't want your dick pic.
If I've already touched your dick, I still don't want your dick pic.
If we've already had sex, I still don't want your dick pic.
I don't want your dick pic if you're wearing boxers.
I don't want your dick pic if you're wearing briefs.
I don't want your dick pic if you're going commando.
I don't want your dick pic if you're wearing a hilariously patterned man thong.
I don't want your dick pic if you've got a boner.
I don't want your dick pic if you've got a semi.
If for some weird reason you've taken a photo of your flaccid dick, I don't want that dick pic.

I don't want your fucking dick pic.