I still remember those words so clearly. Six years later and they're still bouncing around in my brain. I wonder if you even knew the can of worms you were throwing at me with those words. You were angry and snarky and feeling bad about your own self because I was trying to cut the strings from our group of burnt out pals. But those words cut into a different part of me; they dove like a retrovirus into my blood and spliced into my DNA. Those words are a part of me, did you know that? Because I was born in the gutter. I've been trying to climb out for twenty seven years. You knew that.
Oh man you know I am doing that same thing I do in my emo blog on the lj!! I am talking in fucking metaphors to someone who will never read this damn thing yet is the only person who would ever understand it. MUST. PUT. END. TO.
Sorry, imaginary pals. I was talking to my first love, long after we ended. He was angry at me for some reason or another having to do with my live-improvement efforts (I think I was enrolling in school) and so spat those words out at me in an attempt to bring me down. We ran around with a pretty ridiculous crowd at the time. We grew up in a small town and then moved to a shitty city. Didn't go to college out of high school and spent most of our time using various recreational drugs and talking empty static about making the world a better place. Working shitty jobs and raving on the weekends. Drunk most of the time. It was a good life for awhile, away from my ridiculous family and avoiding the other, more serious issues that accompanied them. I didn't like to think about my parents or my brother or the monster, and I didn't have to. But when he said those words I felt like nothing more true could ever be said about me. I am scum. I was born from scum and I'd lived as scum and I was doing fuck all to make my story any different from the rest of them. And I still can't get away from that feeling! I am ~22 credits from a Bachelor of Science. I am going to Peru. I have been working on realizing all that talk for five years now. and I have ran so far away from Monroe and the dirt and grime of my old life but I feel like it is all following me. I don't feel like I deserve to be here in this apartment with polished little J, who is studying for the GREs and checking her credit score. I am never quite comfortable around people with their shit together, responsible people with responsible parents. And you know what is so fucking infuriating about the whole thing? That boy who said that to me, that comic little drunk, he now has a pretty damn lucrative job with Disney and lives in a nice apartment on Eastlake. with his girlfriend and cat. He probably doesn't have any recollection of saying those infuriating and tenacious words. And yet they stick so strongly to every cell in my body.
/rant end
