Butterface

This is a blog about the objectification of women. Or maybe it's not. It might be a rant, it might be a list of questions, it might be a little from column A and a little from column B.

 I love women's bodies. I love all sorts of lady shapes and types: thin, curvy, small tits, big tits, tan, pale, big feet, whatever. I care more about the clothes covering the lady body more than the shape of it. I could take or leave any type of man body. Some people are only interested in one type of body though. I dated a boy for two years who was very clear about the body type he preferred: not mine. He wanted me to be thinner, always thinner. J is a tiny Asian boy who has the body of Megan Fox minus the T&A. He hated how thin he was and couldn't stand to be with someone with a higher BMI. And so I tried to be thinner. I tried so damn hard to be the tiny girl that this boy wanted because he would tell me that sometimes he was attracted to me. Sometimes, I was the girl that he desired. But most of the time I was just too fat. I would hide from food all day and then eat the world at dinner. After these world-eating times, when I was complainy and too full to move from binging, this tiny boy would chastise me and wonder why, why couldn't I just control myself? Why did I have to eat so much food, couldn't I see that it was bad for me and it was bad for us? Because when I ate too much food I wasn't attractive to him. And if I didn't want to be attractive to him, then he just didn't know what he was doing with me. I would cry about how fat I was, literally cry, because I couldn't control my desire to eat a third slice of pizza and I knew that that third slice was destroying my relationship. He would still have sex with me of course, because a fuck's a fuck, but he'd be damned if he'd enjoy it as much as he would enjoy touching a thin girl's body.

I look back on photos of myself from this time and I want to slap both of us in the face. I was not tiny, but I was not fat by any stretch of any rational human being's expectations of a woman. I'm certainly fatter these days and have had several people look at and touch my naked body and tell me how beautiful I am. Yet, I don't feel it. I feel like a giant, like I STILL have to get to the impossibly tiny size that this insecure little man demanded of me two years ago. I think, these people who are touching me must be lying. How could this body be beautiful, when even the smaller version wasn't?

J could only appreciate one type of body: super thin. I can appreciate many more. Does this make me less of an asshole, or just less choosy? I certainly care more about what's under a person's skin, but let's be real here: if there's no physical attraction, it's not happening. This guy valued me as a human, I suppose, but not as a paramour and certainly not as an appropriate girlfriend for him. The girl he left me for was a runner of some sort. He told me that she was a better partner for him because her chances of surviving an apocalyptic situation were much higher than mine. Because she could run faster, I suppose? This was probably the most offensive thing (in a laundry list of offensive things) he's ever said to me. When I was a kid I used to catch, skin and roast fish on a homemade brick stove, just for fun. I am well acquainted with most edible and poisonous plants in this area. I studied animal tracking. I am getting my degree in BEING OUTDOORS. I'm a scrappy motherfucker, and I will survive a motherfucking apocalypse. This kid thought I'd be the first one to go because I was lugging around an extra ten pounds?

Why am I going off on this rant now, when we've been broken up for over two years? Recently, J referred to his newest girlfriend as a "butterface." For those of you who aren't familiar with this delightful American idiom, it means that a girl has a hot body and an ugly face. Everything "but her face" is hot. Clearly, this is a terrible thing to say about any person, especially a person you are supposed to be romantically involved with. Is this even worse? Should I be happy that I got off with merely a skewed body image and a mild eating disorder? This poor girl can't do anything about her butterface; I could at least, in theory, diet.  I have no doubts, however, that he is more pleased with this situation. I am one hundred percent sure that J would rather have a "hot body/ugly face" combo than me. This makes me angry, and I can't exactly pinpoint why.

This relationship was, in hindsight, mind-bogglingly unhealthy for me. J fucked with my brain in ways that I'm still trying to sort out. Am I just as much to blame for pestering this boy into dating me, even though he was pretty clear about his preferences? Is this guy a dick for wanting to sleep with thin girls, or is he just a dick for trying to turn me into one of those thin girls? Or is he a dick for telling me that I wasn't what he wanted but sleeping with me anyway? The douchebaggery is not up for debate but the root of it is; where does the douchebaggery start? Are people who care less about what a person's body looks like better people, or just people with a wider preference set?

Running in the wrong circles, and I don't even like running

I am an awful straight girl. I mean, just like the worst. Terrible straight girl though I may be, I am an even worse lesbian. I'm hopeless with gay women: flirting with them or taking them out or being interested in their culture. And I'm not keen on doing anything about it. Lesbian culture confuses and scares me, and doesn't feel like where I belong. But I know I don't fit into straight (read: dick-loving ladies) culture.

So why does everyone I would maybe like to date want to stick me in one box or the other? [insert vagina joke here]. Why do most of the people I know need to put me in the straight box, just because I lust after women but only date men? I say "need" because that's what it feels like. I fret about how R-74 might affect me and hear "you don't have to worry about that." When my one short-lived relationship with a girl petered out, I heard "Well, maybe ladies are not for you." I run away from girls at clubs because they shimmy up to me, looking for a dance; this is seen as confirmation of my straightness. The only thing it is confirmation of is my cowardice. Gay women see this scenario differently: they are sure that if I could only get up the courage to dance with that woman, I would realize my gayness and never look back. I'm welcome in both clubs, as long as I'm willing to give up my membership in the other.

Sometimes I feel like my reluctance to date women stems from my failed relationships with men. More specifically, from a desire to not let those men win. I somehow feel that if I were to manage a happy relationship with a woman, those men who dumped me will think "Oh, well see that's why it didn't work out. She was a lesbian the whole time." This is, of course, not true. I was a bisexual/queer woman who happened to be dating a man at the time. But I fear that these men will release themselves from culpability for ending the relationship and I don't want that to happen. Something that is perfectly clear to the imaginary readers of this blog (and to people who know me well) but will likely remain a mystery to those of you who stumble upon this whenandif I publicize it: I have a difficult time getting over people. My fall-hard-and-fast dating style is a subject for another blog entirely, but it's still a thing. A nagging thing, and I have to wonder if it's the reason that, when I find myself setting up okCupid dates with cute girls, I also find myself Facebook stalking old male lovers and canceling said dates.

Regardless of the reasons for the lack of "bi" in my bisexuality, I'm still allowed to identify as such. I've recently started identifying myself as queer because I think that suits me much better, but it still doesn't quiet the naysayers.

I have fallen in love with men. I have fallen for women. I am, goddammit, capable and willing to love either. I'm just dreadfully bored with one and terrified of the other. So right now I am dating nobody. This doesn't mean I am asexual. I'm just...sexual. A person. Who likes to feel close to other people. Is that so bad?