I just had the most disturbing lucid dream and am now afraid to go back to sleep. Not even sure if I'm awake now. Everything is weird. I tried to wake up several times in the dream, straining and forcing my eyes. I would see my room, but would be pulled back into the dream before I could fully wake up. I thought I woke up once but I tried a light switch like in that movie but it didn't turn on. I kept making things I didn't want to have happen occur by thinking about them. I had no control, but I had control, if that makes sense. I was aware that I was making the things happen but I didn't know how to control them, or make what I wanted to have happen occur. Only at the very end did I establish some sort of control. I would leave my bag on a bus and then I say "oh I left my bag on the bus oh wait I didn't" and it would be in my hand. Or, we went roller skating (jon and I, to calm me down) and it was closed. I said "no it's not" and it was open. and things like that. But I kept making terrible things happen at first, I fell through glass, got lost in a ravine, kept sort of flying away from my friends, who all knew I was dreaming and were trying to get me to calm down. Jon did this trick that I knew about (maybe from drugs?) where I would be feeling bad and he would say "no you're not, you're fine" or having fun or something. and then I would say yeah I am and my mindset and mood would instantly change. but it wouldn't last long, because I was desperate to get out of the dream. The whole thing lasted maybe an hour and felt like weeks or months. And the roller rink was full of kids; I might have been trying to change that when I woke up. I awoke super abruptly too! had been trying so hard and then it was effortless. Was so scared that I would drift back into the dream. Jane was there also kind of trying to help, as were others. We were eating, and I think I may have hurt someone? But everyone knew it was bc I couldn't control it. I remember blood. Everyone knew that whatever happened wasn't real, and that if I hurt someone they would still be fine in real life. People were annoyed at me though, like a friend on a bad trip. Oh and one of my professors was there asking me questions (I think it was my bio prof asking non bio questions) that I didn't know the answer to but then I *knew* so I could answer. He was larger than normal. Jon was looking on, and knew that I was just willing myself to know the answers, and not actually pulling them from my brain storage. It was almost like "this is what you're gonna use this power for?" haha. I think this was at the roller rink, and I was in the process of trying to sound really smart when I woke up. Is it because I established control that I let go of it and awoke? I was trying so hard and was so scared up til that point!! It was the worst dream ever in the dream. I thought I woke up once and it was a false alarm. as I was drifting off I could see all these unpleasant images and was afraid of just letting the sleep take me, because I thought it would incorporate the unpleasantness. and it did. I need something to think of when I go to sleep because I do not trust my mind to give me anything good. maybe just music to focus on? so afraid to sleep but so effing tired. still afraid this is still the dream, but pretty sure it's real life. why, once it started being okay, could I finally wake up? I was like literally forcing myself to wake up in front of people and it wasn't working. I would leave their dimension for a min and come back. why could I only make things I didn't like happen? and why could I not control them, but knew I was controlling them? It was like I was aware and lucid in the dream, but I still couldn't control the happenings.
I wrote this in a frenzy before the details left me and now I have to attempt to normal sleep so sorry if it hell of sucks
