I was having a chat with someone the other day and he informed me that we don't live in a patriarchal society. That patriarchy is a choice, not a systemic social problem. I say he informed me because I quickly became aware that what we were engaging in was not a spirited debate or even a conversation but rather him telling me what was right (his opinion) and what was wrong (mine). I was told I was getting angry and emotional, which is a classic debate tactic (and is also arguably patriarchal: the poor woman is too emotional to think correctly). I did not want to engage in that situation, but it definitely got me thinking.
Feminism defines patriarchy as an unjust social system that is oppressive to women. There are blog posts on blog posts about blog posts on whether or not we, as a society, are past patriarchy. This might be my favorite. Even though I have nothing new to bring to the conversation, I find the conversation is still necessary.
The aforementioned male's main argument is this:
"[a female close to him] will routinely state how she thinks men should be chivalrous and pay for things and also will routinely state how she deserves to be treated equally"
This is one of the very consequences of living in a patriarchal society that is embroiled in a debate about whether or not it is a patriarchal society. Women today (most straight women in middle class America), grow up with the notion that they can be anything they want to be and that they are equal to any man. They are also told repeatedly that a real man will pay for dinner, hold her door open, and take care of her. Society is telling women this at every turn. We are given a disharmonious set of values from a very young age: Be a strong, independent woman. You are just as good as any man at whatever it is you want to pursue. But make sure to let your man feel like the man. When young women are told that they are and should be equal to men, but are then given a set of rules to govern their interactions with those men, these women are going to be understandably confused. I know I am.
Nora Caplan-Bricker at the New Republic writes:
"Patriarchy isn't just the ratio of men to women in Congress or on Fortune 500 lists. It’s also a set of societal norms, invented by men but internalized and imparted by everyone, that says women shouldn't be too big or too loud or with hair in the wrong places—that determines women should be one way and not any other."
Yes, some men choose to be stay-at-home dads. Yes, there are women in powerful positions across the corporate ladder. Yes, there is a really good chance that our next president will be female. But one woman president does not mean we are past feminism. One woman successfully navigating male-dominated systems does not erase the fact that they are male-dominated systems.
I asked this man to check his privilege before making sweeping claims about the end of oppression in our society. This was met with a lot of anger at how a) I had no idea where he came from and b) how just because he is a straight white American male does not mean his opinion is invalid. The former is an honest misunderstanding of the concept of privilege, and I did not feel like getting that far into the weeds about sociological terms so his continued confusion on that point is understandable. To the latter: Sorry but yes, as a straight white male in America you are NOT the best person to judge whether or not we live in a patriarchal society. I'm sorry, I know it's not fair and you feel like you have the right for your opinion to ring louder and truer than all of the rest but that is not how voices on oppression work. You may not be oppressing anyone currently (not all men!) but you are a part of the oppressing party and you just don't get to make the call on this one. I know you will be angry at me and at how wrong you think I am; tough fucking shit. Oh btw, you were oppressing me when you belittled my opinion, told me to go away and come back when I was less emotional and could back up my indignation with facts. Not "grassroots campaigns," mind you. I tried to direct this man to the Yes All Women movement but he would have none of those types of facts.
I'm now going to tell you a story:
(trigger warning: unwanted sexual advances)
A few months ago, I was very intoxicated at the end of a long night out at a neighborhood bar. My phone was dying and I was worried about my ability to walk home safely in the state I was in so I called an uber. Since my phone was nearly dead, when the car was arriving I left the bar and hopped in the first uber I saw. We were halfway to my apartment before the driver realized that I was not his intended fare. Someone else had apparently called a car to the same bar at the same time, and I had gotten in the wrong one. After a lot of confusion, driving back to the bar, and dealing with the other customer, the driver offered to take me home for free since I was already in his car and my phone was about to die. It was a short ride. When we pulled up to my apartment, this man did not want me to get out of the car. He stated repeatedly that we should "go somewhere and have fun," tried to kiss me multiple times, and tried to put my hand on his body.
If you don't see the patriarchy in our society, take a look at yourself. You'll probably find it there.
The aforementioned male's main argument is this:
"[a female close to him] will routinely state how she thinks men should be chivalrous and pay for things and also will routinely state how she deserves to be treated equally"
This is one of the very consequences of living in a patriarchal society that is embroiled in a debate about whether or not it is a patriarchal society. Women today (most straight women in middle class America), grow up with the notion that they can be anything they want to be and that they are equal to any man. They are also told repeatedly that a real man will pay for dinner, hold her door open, and take care of her. Society is telling women this at every turn. We are given a disharmonious set of values from a very young age: Be a strong, independent woman. You are just as good as any man at whatever it is you want to pursue. But make sure to let your man feel like the man. When young women are told that they are and should be equal to men, but are then given a set of rules to govern their interactions with those men, these women are going to be understandably confused. I know I am.
Nora Caplan-Bricker at the New Republic writes:
"Patriarchy isn't just the ratio of men to women in Congress or on Fortune 500 lists. It’s also a set of societal norms, invented by men but internalized and imparted by everyone, that says women shouldn't be too big or too loud or with hair in the wrong places—that determines women should be one way and not any other."
Yes, some men choose to be stay-at-home dads. Yes, there are women in powerful positions across the corporate ladder. Yes, there is a really good chance that our next president will be female. But one woman president does not mean we are past feminism. One woman successfully navigating male-dominated systems does not erase the fact that they are male-dominated systems.
I asked this man to check his privilege before making sweeping claims about the end of oppression in our society. This was met with a lot of anger at how a) I had no idea where he came from and b) how just because he is a straight white American male does not mean his opinion is invalid. The former is an honest misunderstanding of the concept of privilege, and I did not feel like getting that far into the weeds about sociological terms so his continued confusion on that point is understandable. To the latter: Sorry but yes, as a straight white male in America you are NOT the best person to judge whether or not we live in a patriarchal society. I'm sorry, I know it's not fair and you feel like you have the right for your opinion to ring louder and truer than all of the rest but that is not how voices on oppression work. You may not be oppressing anyone currently (not all men!) but you are a part of the oppressing party and you just don't get to make the call on this one. I know you will be angry at me and at how wrong you think I am; tough fucking shit. Oh btw, you were oppressing me when you belittled my opinion, told me to go away and come back when I was less emotional and could back up my indignation with facts. Not "grassroots campaigns," mind you. I tried to direct this man to the Yes All Women movement but he would have none of those types of facts.
I'm now going to tell you a story:
(trigger warning: unwanted sexual advances)
A few months ago, I was very intoxicated at the end of a long night out at a neighborhood bar. My phone was dying and I was worried about my ability to walk home safely in the state I was in so I called an uber. Since my phone was nearly dead, when the car was arriving I left the bar and hopped in the first uber I saw. We were halfway to my apartment before the driver realized that I was not his intended fare. Someone else had apparently called a car to the same bar at the same time, and I had gotten in the wrong one. After a lot of confusion, driving back to the bar, and dealing with the other customer, the driver offered to take me home for free since I was already in his car and my phone was about to die. It was a short ride. When we pulled up to my apartment, this man did not want me to get out of the car. He stated repeatedly that we should "go somewhere and have fun," tried to kiss me multiple times, and tried to put my hand on his body.
I gave this man my phone number because he asked for it and I could not think of a fake one. I told him we could "go somewhere and have fun" later because I just wanted out of his car and thought that this was the easiest way to make that happen. I was frightened. I was an unregistered passenger, I was drunk, and I was afraid that "no" was not enough to get me out of the situation.
Men who look at a drunk woman alone and see an opportunity are assholes; they are also a product of patriarchy.
Street harassment is patriarchy.
The men's rights movement is patriarchy.
When someone tells you to "be a man about it," that is patriarchy.
When someone says "don't be a pussy," that is patriarchy.
When a woman is told to "smile, sweetheart," that is patriarchy.
When "I have a boyfriend" is the only way to get someone to stop hitting on you (not "I'm just out with my friends, "I'm really not looking for anyone right now" or any other perfectly legitimate reason you wish to be left alone, but only that you "belong" to another man), that is patriarchy.
The people saying these things are not making a choice to participate in the patriarchy; they are probably not even thinking about re-enforcing patriarchal social norms, and that is exactly what makes them patriarchal social norms.
Men who look at a drunk woman alone and see an opportunity are assholes; they are also a product of patriarchy.
Street harassment is patriarchy.
The men's rights movement is patriarchy.
When someone tells you to "be a man about it," that is patriarchy.
When someone says "don't be a pussy," that is patriarchy.
When a woman is told to "smile, sweetheart," that is patriarchy.
When "I have a boyfriend" is the only way to get someone to stop hitting on you (not "I'm just out with my friends, "I'm really not looking for anyone right now" or any other perfectly legitimate reason you wish to be left alone, but only that you "belong" to another man), that is patriarchy.
The people saying these things are not making a choice to participate in the patriarchy; they are probably not even thinking about re-enforcing patriarchal social norms, and that is exactly what makes them patriarchal social norms.
If you don't see the patriarchy in our society, take a look at yourself. You'll probably find it there.
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