I am an awful straight girl. I mean, just like the worst. Terrible straight girl though I may be, I am an even worse lesbian. I'm hopeless with gay women: flirting with them or taking them out or being interested in their culture. And I'm not keen on doing anything about it. Lesbian culture confuses and scares me, and doesn't feel like where I belong. But I know I don't fit into straight (read: dick-loving ladies) culture.
So why does everyone I would maybe like to date want to stick me in one box or the other? [insert vagina joke here]. Why do most of the people I know need to put me in the straight box, just because I lust after women but only date men? I say "need" because that's what it feels like. I fret about how R-74 might affect me and hear "you don't have to worry about that." When my one short-lived relationship with a girl petered out, I heard "Well, maybe ladies are not for you." I run away from girls at clubs because they shimmy up to me, looking for a dance; this is seen as confirmation of my straightness. The only thing it is confirmation of is my cowardice. Gay women see this scenario differently: they are sure that if I could only get up the courage to dance with that woman, I would realize my gayness and never look back. I'm welcome in both clubs, as long as I'm willing to give up my membership in the other.
Sometimes I feel like my reluctance to date women stems from my failed relationships with men. More specifically, from a desire to not let those men win. I somehow feel that if I were to manage a happy relationship with a woman, those men who dumped me will think "Oh, well see that's why it didn't work out. She was a lesbian the whole time." This is, of course, not true. I was a bisexual/queer woman who happened to be dating a man at the time. But I fear that these men will release themselves from culpability for ending the relationship and I don't want that to happen. Something that is perfectly clear to the imaginary readers of this blog (and to people who know me well) but will likely remain a mystery to those of you who stumble upon this whenandif I publicize it: I have a difficult time getting over people. My fall-hard-and-fast dating style is a subject for another blog entirely, but it's still a thing. A nagging thing, and I have to wonder if it's the reason that, when I find myself setting up okCupid dates with cute girls, I also find myself Facebook stalking old male lovers and canceling said dates.
Regardless of the reasons for the lack of "bi" in my bisexuality, I'm still allowed to identify as such. I've recently started identifying myself as queer because I think that suits me much better, but it still doesn't quiet the naysayers.
I have fallen in love with men. I have fallen for women. I am, goddammit, capable and willing to love either. I'm just dreadfully bored with one and terrified of the other. So right now I am dating nobody. This doesn't mean I am asexual. I'm just...sexual. A person. Who likes to feel close to other people. Is that so bad?
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